Wednesday, May 5, 2010
entertainment industry coach Question 427:Your newsletter on self sabotage was great! Can you explain Secondary Gains better?
Absolutely. In my newsletter, I first had you look at the obvious ways that you self-sabotage. What's not always obvious are the unconscious ways you self-sabotage. These may be the "secondary gains" you're getting from sabotaging yourself.
Someone who can hire you, tells you to follow up with him in a month to see if he has anything available. A month goes by, you procrastinate (possibly telling yourself stories about why this isn't the right time to follow up). A month and a week goes by and finally, you call. He tells you that he's disappointed that you didn't call the week before because he had a job available. Now you beat yourself up but good.
But why didn't you follow up? The secondary gain is the "thing" that you are getting that feels better than the possibility of getting the job. Now you may be thinking, "but I really wanted the job." You can think and say that all you want, but if you didn't make that call, you sabotaged yourself, and there was something that was a stronger pull that you gained, by not making that call.
So dig deep. First you'll discover the fear: maybe it's rejection, or change, or success. Then you'll have to look at what's underneath the fear.
Why would someone be afraid of success? Perhaps he/she is worried about how personal relationships would change, or not having enough time for family, or not having it be everything he/she expected. The secondary gain, is keeping you status quo. You'll never know those answers because everything is staying the same.
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