Question 30: Is creating rapport manipulative and phony?

The actual comment question read, "Isn't this manipulative? I mean, if you're thinking and intentionally copying someone, that seems phony."

Therefore my response to "anonymous" is, "What is your intention?"

The definition of manipulation is: exerting shrewd or devious influence especially for one's own advantage.

Please recall my definition of rapport in Question 28: the presence of harmony, trust, and cooperation in a relationship. 

Anything that I write about, either as the Greenlight Coach or as myself, comes from complete integrity.  I make the assumption that all tools, strategies, and actions I share are used, by my readers, ethically and with the intention of creating win/win results.

Rapport is an excellent tool/skill to have in order to deepen a connection with someone quickly. Therefore be aware of these 2 techniques when going into rapport with someone:

1. Don't imitate them in an obvious way- instead pick up their gestures and phrases, and re-create them in a smaller way, using them subtly.  It's not Simon Sez.  

2. Don't be so focused on creating rapport that you're not engaged in the conversation- instead, pick one thing to mirror (like their posture, or their energy level) and then participate fully in the conversation.

If your intention is pure, you will build rapport.  If your intention is to scam, it will be a transparent plan.  That's my attempt at a rhyme, and now I'm out of time...

For more tips and articles by The Greenlight Coach, visit www.TheGreenlightCoachBlog.com 

 

Question 29: What is rapport? Part 2

Yesterday, I talked about why rapport is important.  Today, I'm going to tell you how to create rapport. It's actually quite simple- rapport is established by matching and mirroring. 

Matching is doing *something* the other person is doing, but in reverse image.

Mirroring is being the "mirror image" of someone. Like when a Yoga teacher in the front of the room, tells the class to stretch to the right.  The teacher, stretches to the left, so they are all going in the same direction. 

What is the *something* you would match or mirror? Here are some examples:

1. Physiology (55%): Posture, facial expressions, and gestures (you can go as subtle as matching their blinking and breathing patterns)

2. Tonality (38%): Voice, pitch, speed, and volume

3. Words (7%): Key words, phrases, common experiences, and associations

When you read about it, rapport may seem unnatural, forced. It's actually something you do all the time unconsciously.  Don't you and your friends use the same "lingo?" Did you ever notice when you're sitting in a group of people, that most people's legs are mirroring or matching? Look next time. You'll probably see 9 out of 10 people in a row with their legs crossed one way or the other if they are in rapport.  When you converse with a friend, whose energy is way up, and he/she is talking a mile a minute, don't you get caught up in it and talk fast too? 

In friendships it happens naturally. Like attracts like. People like to be around people who are like them. 

When you meet new people, consciously (and subtly) going into rapport with them, will connect you faster!

Give it a try...

For more tips and articles by the Greenlight Coach, visit www.TheGreenlightCoachBlog.com

Question 28: What is rapport? You keep talking about it. Part 1

It's true, I do keep talking about it.  Because rapport is one of those unconscious ways of communicating that can make or break a conversation.  

The definition for rapport that I like is: the presence of harmony, trust, and cooperation in a relationship.

I'll break this up into two parts.  Today's part is understanding why rapport is important. Tomorrow I will talk about how to create rapport.

To understand why rapport is so important, first you must understand communication.

Communication is broken down approximately like this:

7%- the words you say

38%- the tonality you use when saying those words

55%- your physiology 

How many times have you heard an actress mutter the words "I hate you" into her lover's chest with a purring tonality, as she tears off his shirt? 

That's how little the words mean. Why is this important for YOU? The actress's true feelings were love and desire, masked by the words "I hate you." 

CUT TO: YOU meeting a GUY who can potentially hire you.  He asks you, "How are things? Are you working?"  

After a work slow down, and your many angry conversations about the problems with the industry, this question unconsciously and immediately, triggers your feelings or bitterness, frustration, and desperation. BUT, despite those feelings, you smile and say, "Not working right now, but things are great!!!"  

I added the 3 explanation points, for each of the previous emotions I mentioned, that unbeknownst to you are seeping through.  This causes the guy, to unconsciously wonder, "what's up with you?" After all, the words you're saying are fine, but the tonality you're using, and the tiny physiological gestures that you're revealing (perhaps a clenched jaw, a cheek twitch, a bulging neck vein, a change in your breathing pattern) are saying- not so fine.

The guy can't quite put his finger on it, but he is out of rapport with you and therefore doesn't mention the dayplaying job on his show next week.      

People always tell me that they're great at hiding their true feelings, that they always put on a smiling face and say the right things, when talking to people who can hire them.  Sorry, that's CRAP! Even as they are telling me those 3 !!! are seeping into my atmosphere, and I choose NOT to be in rapport with them. 

Don't let this happen to you.  I'll tell you how tomorrow...

For more tips and articles by The Greenlight Coach, visit www.TheGreenlightCoachBlog.com  

Question 27: Do you recommend sending postcards as thank you notes?

Since I know an actress asked this question, first I have to clarify to the other classifications, that actors make postcards with their headshot and contact info on them. Some people have the opinion that sending your postcard as a thank you note, is another way to get your face in front of the casting director.

I have a different opinion.  I believe that thank you notes should be a sincere and genuine expression of gratitude. To me, a postcard with your picture, or a thank you note with your contact information is a subtle solicitation. Therefore I suggest following these steps for thank you notes:

1. Send an actual card (something that reveals something about you or something you know they like)

2. Remind the person where you met

3. Thank them for something specific

4. Add something personal to show that you were paying attention to what they were saying

5. Sign your first and last name CLEARLY

One of the reasons why people don't know what questions to ask when they meet people is because they haven't started at the end.  What do you want the outcome of your meeting to be?  What if the outcome you want is to be able to write an amazing thank you note that answers 2, 3, & 4? Knowing that you need to tie in something personal will create the questions you ask. Knowing you have to thank them for something specific will cause you to listen with more intention, creating deeper rapport with the person. 

For those of you (and I know you're out there) who are thinking, "But, if I don't put my contact number (or picture) how will they remember who I am and know how to contact me?" 

I've received hundreds of thank you notes from people. I always remember who they are. On top of that, I'm resourceful enough to know where to look for their contact information when I want to contact them. 

You can follow up with "new news" on your postcard or on your letterhead, a week later. Allow yourself the simple gesture of gratitude, with a sincere thank you note, and believe me, you'll stand out. 

For more tips and articles by the Greenlight Coach, visit www.theGreenlightCoachBlog.com  

Question 26: What if I can't find anything on the person I'm researching?

This is a shortened version of the question I received in the comment section of Question 24.

So, you've googled, IMDBd, and polled your friends and there is nothing to be found on the person you're meeting with. 

1. If you're meeting at his/her office, quickly do a scan to see if there is something to ask about, comment on, or a common interest.

2. Focus on creating rapport.

3. Design general questions based on what the meeting is about.

4. Prepare your own stories to share so you'll feel confident about having something to discuss.

5. Relax.  If you couldn't find anything, the person knows there is nothing to find.

For more tips and articles by The Greenlight Coach, visit www.TheGreenlightCoachBlog.com 

Question 25: Why doesn't talent count for anything?

This question was followed by: 

"I'm sick of seeing people whose reels aren't as good as mine getting work when I'm not!" 

So, to answer the question, yes, talent does count for something.  To comment on the comment that followed:

This is an industry of relationships.  People want to work with people they know, trust, and like. They also want to work with people who lend credibility, money, and any assets such as equipment or locations, to their project.

There are numerous reasons why someone with less talent may be hired for a job. My question to you is, why are you focusing on on something negative that you have no control over? Instead of letting frustration and bitterness take over and therefore seep into everything you say and do (and before you try and tell me you "hide it" when it counts, I promise you, you're not hiding anything... explanation points speak volumes), focus on what you do well, and getting it out there. 

For more tips and articles by The Greenlight Coach, visit www.TheGreenlightCoachBlog.com 

Question 24: I am meeting a director I would like to work with. I've researched him but I don't know what to say.

It sounds like your question is: How do I craft questions for a person I've researched? If I'm wrong and I haven't answered your question, please clarify with more specifics in the comments.

The key to creating a good first impression is to remember that the person you're meeting with is learning about you and if he/she wants to spend time with you on set. Therefore, steer the conversation toward subjects you're both passionate about and bring out both of your personalities. 

Some tips:

1. Bring up any mutual connections you may have discovered in your research

2. Share personal and professional stories

3. Ask technical questions about the working relationship between him/her and your classification

4. Ask about his/her connection to the material if you are meeting on a specific project

Sincere compliments are always appreciated.

Want more tips and articles by The Greenlight Coach, visit www.TheGreenlightCoachBlog.com

Question 23: I've been out of the industry for 2 years because I was sick. Is it possible to get back in?

The curse and the blessing of our industry is that there is no rule book.  It's a curse because there's no manual to follow, no steps to take, no correlation between hard work & commitment=success. However, the blessing is, because there are no rules, no one can tell you that "you can't." 

Yes, it's possible to re-emerge in the entertainment industry.  Rekindle old relationships and create new ones. There's no reason to bring up your illness unless, your fight and victory over it is a source of pride. Then, share your triumph with others and let that lead into your passion and drive to get back to the career you love.

I've coached people who were forced to leave the industry for many reasons: spouse got relocated, a sick child or aging parent, illness, a new career that wasn't the answer, depression, divorce, and so on...

You know what, there are plenty of people out there, who in the last 2 years that you were healing, were doing less than what you can now accomplish in a month's time if you put your heart and mind to it. 

I wish you all the success you desire, and if I can be of help, let me know.

For more tips and articles by The Greenlight Coach, visit: www.TheGreenlightCoachBlog.com  

Question 22: Are there any no-nos for staying in touch with people?

I'll re-word that question to be: My lists of DONT'S when staying in touch.

1. Don't call someone everyday.  This may seem obvious to you, but it's not to everyone.  So, if I help one person, not to make this mistake, my job is done. 

2. Don't forget to BCC when sending out a mass email about an accomplishment or an event! This mistake can get you blackballed. Seriously, privacy is a big deal in our industry.  Don't be the person who shares everyone's contact info. 

3. Don't call/email for no reason.  It's transparent. 

4. Don't be attached to your agenda.  If you call someone and he/she says that it's a bad time, get off the phone.  Don't say that you just need a minute or you just have a quick question.  It's never a minute and the answers are never quick. 

5. Don't send "good luck," "money angels," or any kind of emails that will make your business contacts feel like they are going to have bad luck forever or cause an angel to lose it's wings if they don't pass it on to 50 people they know within 15 minutes.

6. Don't forward a "warning" email about a guy who slashes peoples' feet from under SUVs, or sprays poison perfume, to your business contacts. In fact don't forward them to anyone without checking first on www.breakthechain.org. Most of these emails are fake.

7. Don't misspell names.  Just don't.  www.IMDB.com 

These are all I can think of right now.  If you have any doozies to share, please feel free to put them in the comments.   

For more tips and articles by The Greenlight Coach, visit www.TheGreenlightCoachBlog.com

Question 21: Should I stick to one thing (directing/acting/camera) or diversify?

That depends: how good are you at the different things you want to do?  

These days people are wearing many hats or using many /s.  I think it's great.  I do it myself. The important business question is: 

How are you marketing yourself?

The big mistake I see people make, is putting everything on one resume: editing, camera operating, background artist.  It's one thing to market yourself as a DP who operates, or a writer/director, it's another thing to be "Jack of all trades." People want to know that the person they are hiring is an expert at what he/she does.

I suggest you have separate resumes, websites, business cards, and reels.  If a situation arises, such as a LOW budget film, and they want a director who can also shoot and edit, then put together a package that shows you can do it (if you can deliver).  

Remember to trust your gut about whom you're sharing what, with.  Some old school people don't appreciate those who haven't worked their way up through the ranks. And some traditionalists prefer someone who they believe is passionate about one thing.  

Personally, I LOVE being, Jessica Sitomer, actress/writer/producer/author/speaker/career-coach/blogger/dog owner/chocolate lover/Jiu-Jitsu white belt (with 1 stripe)/"24" fanatic

For more tips and Greenlight Coach articles visit: www.theGreenlightCoachBlog.com

Question 20: What if I have to leave a message?

This was a comment on yesterday's question.  See?  If you ask, I will respond...

When I first started coaching, I would tell people to call 3 times before leaving a message (because the point was to get them in). However, with today's technology, people are checking their caller ID, so if they see you're calling and not leaving a message, they may think it's strange. Then again, they may be curious about what you want and call you back.  So, the "3 calls before leaving a message" is up to you.

Another obstacle is: if you're calling from a blocked number, they may never answer.

Here is what you want to do when leaving a BRIEF message:

1. State your name- CLEARLY

2. State your phone number- CLEARLY

*I can't tell you how many people have called me and left out one of the above. Usually #1 and then I have to do a google search of the number and hope to find a name to match. Most people are not as caring as me.

3. Give them a compelling reason to call you back. This, while having to be spoken CLEARLY, does not have to be as clear.  This is what's called in the biz a "teaser" or a "cliffhanger." 

If you just call, "to check in," "to tell me you're available," or "to see what I've been up to," you may never get a call back, or may fall to the bottom of my priority list.  Nothing personal, I just have people calling me with urgent matters, questions only I can answer, and something really cool to share (these are all examples of #3).

Always know what you're going to say, should you go to voicemail, before you make the call.  

For more tips and articles by The Greenlight Coach, visit www.TheGreenlightCoachBlog.com